Michelle Morris' Top 10 Jews of 2009

Michelle and I are friends for a reason. For one thing, we both share an affinity for those of the Hebrew persuasion. I gave her free reign for her Top 10 and she gave Totally Crushed Out a list of her favorite Jewish men and women of the 09.



Jon Favreau: This man is number one for numerous reasons. First off, I know, he’s technically not fully Jewish. His mother is Jewish which means he’s mostly Jew, and that is good enough for me. This man has done nothing but provide Iron Man 2 foreplay via Twitter for the entire year. He also had a few very memorable cameos in some of the best comedies of the year. How can we forget Barry in I Love You, Man and Joey in Couples Retreat? He should be number one for merely taking a face full of vomit.

Christoph Waltz: This Austrian Jewish wonder finally won over the hearts of the American population with his not-so-loving portrayal of Hans Landa, the “Jew Hunter”, in Inglorious Basterds. He has been dropping panties all over Europe for decades with his acting skills in the movies and on stage. At the Cannes premiere of Basterds, he snagged the Best Actor award. If you just google images of him, you’ll find millions of this handsome bastard. If you google images of young Christoph Waltz, your panties will inevitably drop as well. Ps. He’s divorced and living in London. Have at it!

Judd Apatow: First off, he’s fucking Judd Apatow. Second off, he wrote and directed Funny People. This was one of the best movies of the year. It was so darkly humorous and yet you knew that everything was spawned from some real life event; just like Freaks and Geeks. The movie was full of fabulous Jewish men, too many to list actually. Thank you Judd for writing something close to the heart again.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: I can’t clog up this top ten with the Jewish men I would like to randomly find nude in my bedroom. As an Entourage fan, I was thrilled to see the return of Sloan. E was an idiot to dump her to begin with, blah blah blah. Hopefully the Sloan return wasn’t because of the shit movie she did in 2008 with Adam Sandler. Somebody get a hold of her agent or manager. They need a swift kick in the shin for Zohan. Ps. somebody hire her.

Lorne Michaels: Supposedly this man is a complete douche and a possible dick. I don’t know either for a fact. What I do know is that he is responsible for SNL and 30 Rock. I scoured all the writers and actors of 30 Rock to find a plausible Jew to nominate here to no avail. By scoured I mean I looked at people that their last name was possibly Jewish and went from there. Basically, 30 Rock is the best. They killed at the Emmys and the editor of this zine has a Tina Fey tattoo. Lorne made this possible. Thanks douche!! B.J. Novak: This gorgeous, blue-eyed Jewish man has won our hearts as Ryan Howard on The Office, as well as the “Little Man” in Inglorious Basterds. The reason he is on the list isn’t because of either of his acting skills, or singing skills (see Subtle Sexuality); he’s here because of what he’s been doing behind the camera. No, it’s not me. I wish though. He’s become an avid producer and now director of The Office. This clearly means that he has grown some balls and is now taking control of the backside. Swoon.

Seth Rogen: Sigh. Seth is my dreamboat. There actually wasn’t much this year that could make him on this list, sadly. I’m putting him here because of his amazing performance as Ira in Funny People. Also kudos to the man for getting in shape to play the Green Hornet. His dream, and pretty much everybody who was born in the early 1980s, of writing an episode of the Simpsons came true. He delivered. The writers of the Simpsons had to feel like shit after the season opener where he killed. Chubby Seth or svelte Seth, he is still dropping trou across the globe, or just in my bedroom.

Sarah Silverman: She’s the Jewiest Jew and damn proud of it. She’s on the list because she was nominated for an Emmy for her show; the name of the show eludes me at this moment. 2009 was not the best year for Sarah. She got an Emmy nod, no Emmy though. Jimmy Kimmel dumped her (ewww). A sex tape scandal with Jimmy Kimmel (double ewww). However, towards the end of the year; things started looking up. She snagged Rob Huebel, who is actually handsome despite his appearance in I Love You, Man. I’m not a Sarah fan, but after the year she has had, I would buy her a drink if she would have it. It’s a lady thing. We support each other in rough times.

Adam Sandler: I wasn’t sure I should even put him on this list after Don’t Mess with the Zohan. That was horrible. Seriously. BAD. His brilliant performance in Funny People was too dead on for him to not make my top 10. That movie was the perfect magnifying glass into the dark world of aging comics. Judd Apatow, as previously mentioned, wrote it but it does seem rather autobiographical for Mr. Sandler. Such is life. Kudos Adam for bringing your best acting chops to the table for this movie.

Jason Segel: Have you seen I Love You, Man? No really…have you seen it?? Jason Segel is impeccable. The premise of the movie is painfully real. The casting is flawless. Mr. Segel is at the bottom of the list because I am very biased (http://mrssegel.tumblr.com/). Also, this was not 2008 where he had tons of movies coming out that he had written. This is the year where he played Sidney Fife and started writing a Muppets movie.

Honorable mentions:

Eli Roth: He can’t act for shit. Hostel 2 had the worst ending. He was in Inglorious Basterds, where he gained 30 pounds of sexy muscles for the part. He did bring it when the ONTD ladies asked for it. And by it I mean very sexy photos of him eating blueberries. The photos make panties moist everywhere (See above or below). He should stop writing, stop directing and stick to playgirl type photos. Or he can retire now…in my bedroom.

Tom Arnold: He hasn’t really been doing anything lately. He is 20 years sober now and the fact that he held an emergency intervention speaks volumes to his character. Kudos Tom. Ps. Tom is Jewish because he converted for Rosanne Barr.

Samm Levine: He’s a Basterd! He is also a Jew. He has also been killing it with his stage performances. He’s participated in so much lately, including the live Yo Gabba Gabba with fellow Freaks and Geeks castmates Martin Starr and John Francis Daley.